Quiet and Gentle…
Today has been a day of looking at my life and realizing how I need more of Jesus. I am a sinner and I know that, but man its hard to continually fall into the same sins. My desire is to overcome, but I seem to fail and fail again… And then when I fail I battle the lies satan fills my mind with, I battle grabbing hold of the joy Jesus gives in the midst of failing.. cause in the midst, you realize your desperate need for more of Him in your life. Jesus tells us there is no condemnation, but satan wants us to believe there is.. so you see the battle. The battle of resting in His grace and forgiveness when you do repent or sitting in lies of failure and condemnation. I mean really, why would anyone choose the lies over grace. It shows how weak we are has humans. It shows how dependent we need to be on our JESUS. It shows how small our minds are.
As a wife, I am called to honor my husband. I am called to have a quiet and gentle spirit. I am called love my husband. I am called to serve him. But so often I fail. I desire me more than what I am called too. I let circumstances ruin me. I allow my emotions to rule me. I allow my big mouth to run with disrespect. I allow my heart to follow my flesh. I choose to be prideful and stubborn. Humbleness, repentance, grace and love are no where to be found at times. My words and actions cause hurt and confusion to very man Jesus calls me to love and respect. I desire to have quiet and gentle spirit, but its seems so out of reach for me at times, yet Jesus is near telling me its right on my figure tips and I just need to grab hold of it. Why do I choose my flesh, I mean seriously, its fails me every time, yet it causes me to cry to Jesus for help. It reveals my desperate need for Jesus to take control. I reveals I am weak and He is strong.
I struggle with feeling like I am a failure. I hate failing… and yet I know I will fail often, daily, more so than not I am sure. Sin is a yucky thing. Sin leads to death, and man I am thankful that Jesus caused me to be born again so that I may have life. So that I am able to repent and be set free from sin, death and condemnation… even though I seem to run to those things at times. My hope is that Jesus will keep me near, cause I know I am prone to wonder. But I trust Jesus is working in me, changing me until completion. I am trusting that the sins I run to daily will come to an end. I pray that as I draw near to my Jesus, that less and less sin will be in my life. I won’t be perfect until Jesus brings me home, but until that day I pray my life would amplify Jesus more and more. I pray that I would run to Jeus who gives me humbleness, grace, repentance, honor, and a quiet and gentle spirit.
I am imperfectly me, but I am me and Jesus says He loves me and He calls me “Lovely”. He calls me by that name when I am resting in Him and when I am fighting against Him. He is near always beckoning me to be closer. He is always there leading me and speaking to me. He wants what is best and only that and that is amazingly gracious because I am a sinner who deserves Hell.
